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I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship, by Mira Kirshenbaum
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Is my relationship worth saving?
Will the trust ever come back?
How can things be good between us again?
Whether broken trust is due to daily dishonesties, a monumental betrayal, or even a history of hurts from the past, it can put a relationship at risk. This is the first book to show you exactly what to do to restore trust in your relationship, regardless of how it was damaged.
In this complete guide, couples therapist Mira Kirshenbaum will also help you understand the stages by which trust strengthens when the rebuilding process is allowed to take place. And you will learn how the two of you can avoid the mistakes that prevent healing and discover how to feel secure with each other again.
- Sales Rank: #10513 in Books
- Published on: 2012-02-07
- Released on: 2012-02-07
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.00" h x .70" w x 5.30" l, .54 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 304 pages
Review
“This book, based on so much experience and wisdom, will be tremendously useful for millions of people in relationships where trust has been damaged. I found important insights and suggestions everywhere.” — Pepper Schwartz, author of Love Between Equals
“If you want to find your way back to the people you love, this book is a must read. It offers a step-by-step map for rebuilding trust and helping you find peace within.” — Michele Wiener-Davis, author of Divorce Busting
“A path breaking book on restoring trust in relationships. A wonderful read based on deeply felt experiences.” — Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of How Can I Forgive You?
“This practical must read book is for anyone who has ever suffered the hurt and pain of mistrust. Mira Kirshenbaum wisely takes you on a journey exploring the�difficulties of betrayal, suspicion and harmful mistakes. Kirshenbaum’s gifted insights are profound and they show you how to restore trust with your closest loved ones.” — Lee Raffel, M.S.W., author of I Hate Conflict!
“Mira Kirshenbaum has hit another one out of the park. Her no-nonsense approach offers thoughtful, practical step-by-step methods to assess whether and how to rebuild the trust in your relationship.” — Diana Mercer, J.D., co-author, Making Divorce Work
“[Kirshenbaum] gives brave advice for overcoming the devastating effects of betrayed trust, and gives hope that we actually might be able to salvage and repair important relationships, or at least know that we have choices we can make. Thank you for this much needed guidebook to trust—the essential building block of all relationships.” — Carol Evans, President, Working Mother Media
About the Author
Mira Kirshenbaum is the author of eleven books translated into twenty languages and a two-time finalist for the Books for a Better Life award. She is clinical director of The Chestnut Hill Institute, an internationally recognized center for research and psychotherapy. She has trained clinicians at Harvard Medical School and other institutions.
Most helpful customer reviews
431 of 459 people found the following review helpful.
Blame the Spouse?
By California Mom
I purchased this book after reading reviews which portrayed this book as helpful in healing work after a betrayal. I found this book to be nothing close to the reviews. This book appears short on both empathy and any real insight - the book approaches affairs using the attitude of blame the betrayed spouse. The book repeatedly suggests that betrayals happen only after a spouse has been trying and trying to reach the other spouse who is unable or unwilling to be empathetic or nurturing. There are copious examples. One example is Ryan, who hadn't been looking for an affair but three years into his marriage he was "ripe for the plucking by any woman who showed the promise of affection." Dawn, Ryan's spouse was supposed to be a fun loving take it easy kind of gal but she turned out to be "ambitious, hard working highly organized person". As Ryan had "never seen this side of her" he discovered that Dawn has turned into "a tough taskmaster". Obviously the author feels strongly that Ryan was entitled - even thought the author herself states that Dawn never tried to hide her personality. Really?? Wow how sadly vested is the author in excusing infidelity and hide Ryan's ownership of his own behavior. Obviously in the author's opinion, Dawn fell down on the job and Ryan had every right to have an affair in reaction to his unmet needs (instead of communicating them to his spouse).
I finally put this book down when I reached the section entitled "The Top Six Solutions that Prevent Betrayal". Ms. Kirshbaum glosses over the devastation of betrayals, states that blame is not useful and then goes on to spread blame on the spouse. While a marriage has two sides and break downs in communications are typically shared, if someone cheats or lies that is a choice that is made by that person. Stating that there are ways to prevent someone else's choices, including betrayal is simply NOT a reasonable statement and it is highly inappropriate and inflammatory to suggest that the betrayed spouse has some kind of role in `causing' betrayal.
Restoring trust in relationships after betrayal takes serious work- honesty, transparency and building a new foundation. A cornerstone of this work must involve owning behavior and, if needed, making amends and understanding upset. Blaming and excusing behavior does not provide helpful guidance but continues to obfuscate the situation and prevent healing.
I strongly recommend skipping this book. There are many wonderful books on healing and re-building trust.
This is NOT one of them.
28 of 30 people found the following review helpful.
Probably good for most, but only moderately helpful for me
By Honey Badger
This book has a some good advice regarding restoring trust in a betrayal and a few other situations. If you are in a relationship that seems to have an element of mistrust on your part or your partner's part, I would recommend reading this book to see if you can get any useful words of wisdom. But, in my case, only some parts seemed relevant, and even those didn't give me any new or revolutionary advice.
Since this is a three-star review, I'll list a few pros and cons.
Pros:
The biggest by far is that my husband and I were able to have a couple of good discussions based on the book. I highlighted portions and wrote relevant notes on my kindle edition of the book, and it gave me good talking points for our discussion. It was written in a fair manner that allowed me to have a "cheat" and easily express things that I've been needing to say in a relatively nice way. She has multiple examples of "Say ______ in this situation." Those really helped me.
The writing style was easy to read, especially if you don't mind a few swear words. (And if you're going through a betrayal, you've probably used a few swear words yourself.)
Cons:
Our situation may be unique, but I kept feeling like the book didn't really apply to me. My husband is an addict and has a type of addiction that means that I'm being betrayed in big ways frequently. And because he's an addict, he tends to cope with life by doing things that betray me in small or medium-sized ways several times a week. This book seems to apply to one big betrayal (e.g., an affair) or maybe other smaller betrayals like someone who is unreliable or lies. But when your life is sort of centered around betrayals, this books doesn't quite feel relevant.
The author spends a lot of time having the betrayed figure out what contributed to the betrayal. On the one hand, I think it's a good exercise, and in normal cases, like an affair, that sounds good. But when you're a partner of an addict, it's important to realize that you don't really have any control over the addiction or your partner's compulsive behaviors. I can see why a few other people felt that she blamed the victim, but I think it's a good exercise to sit down and at least ask "why did I choose a partner who betrayed me?" even if you don't think you contributed to relationship dynamics that caused the betrayal.
Overall, I thought some stuff was helpful, but I didn't finish the book feeling that I could rebuild trust with my spouse because it didn't seem like our relationship fit well into the formulas or guidelines she gave.
69 of 82 people found the following review helpful.
Please give is 5.0 out of 5 stars THIS BOOK SAVED MY LIFE
By trusting again
I turned to this book because I was in a situation in my relationship where trust had broken down. I could see we were headed for big trouble. I knew Mira's work from other books of hers where I'd fallen in love with her super-solid, very personal writing style. She writes like she really knows you. That's the way she wrote this book too. I felt like Mira had lived through what I was living through, except that she had also figured out how to prevent you from losing someone you love.
I LOVE YOU BUT I DON'T TRUST YOU walks you through everything you need to know to deal with trust issues in your relationship. She even has a chapter on how to figure out whether it's worth staying and trying to restore trust even though you're angry and scared.
Then Mira gets down to business. She has a number of chapters on how to recover from a major betrayal, which is what had happened in my relationship. She takes you through all the stages of restoring trust from the very beginning when you're just crazy with fear and anger to the end when you're beginning to find real forgiveness. Other stages have to do with finding out if the other person really cares about you. Finding out if you can solve your problems together...all the things that come up.
I really like what Mira did with this subject. I was afraid this was going to be a kind of cookbook: do this, do that. Instead Mira really believes that if there's something to the relationship to begin with, then restoring is very doable and happens faster than most people think. So what this book does is show you the most common mistakes people make that prevent trust from being restored, and then she shows you how to avoid those mistakes.
The whole time I kept wondering, how does Mira know me so well.
But she's not done yet. She goes on to show how to restore trust in other situations like when there's a real power imbalance between the two people, or when one person is unreliable, or when one person is mistrustful because he's been hurt in previous relationship. I felt a lot of this material also applied to my relationship.
By the time I finished the book I realized, wow, it really is all about trust, and there are a lot of relationships out there that need this book badly. If you have issues in your relationship, you have trust issues, and you need this book. I hope everyone will read it. I strongly recommend it.
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